Life is not about the end of the story where you put down the book with a satisfied sigh. It is about all the chapters in between that make your heart race, bring a smile and make you cry as you work your way deliciously exhausted to an end, where you get to say,"That was a great story!"
" Quick Sand"
First, I just want to say congraulations to all of you out there on the road to recovery, and to those trying to start on that road I say good luck, you will need it as it is not going to be easy no matter what. However, if you need help, if you need support, you can get it here from those of us who care and/or traveling the same road.
I have been an addict since I started abusing narcotic pain killers my senior year of high school in 1998 after a sports related injury. I followed an on again, off again pattern of abuse for several years, but eventually as addictions always do, things got out of control.
These drugs are like quicksand when your on them you keep going down. There is nothing to hold onto, and no one to pull you out (because you keep so many secrets). Then you keep falling and no one can hear you calling (because now you have isolated yourself from everyone in your life), and so what happens? You end up self destructing.
For some of those unfortunate souls it ends in total destruction, death. For those of us here we are the lucky ones. The ones, who were lucky enough to realize we were stuck in quicksand, but it was not till we had destroyed almost everything good in our lives, that we realized we were up to our necks in it, and in a last desperate cry we get the help we need to get out before we sink enough to suffocate.
My addiction got to that point. I started out sinking slowly. I was into it above my waist without even realizing it, because it happened so gradually. Then, before I even knew what happened, I was up to my neck in it. My life was about to fall apart.
I could not even get through the night with having to get up and sniff pills. If I did, I would wake up and not be able to function until I got something in me. Most nights I just stayed up doing the drugs throughout the night, neglecting my family, my friends, even my wife, who I loved so much and promised, even swore,I would take care of and love her over anything and everything, even myself.
Pills, stupid little pills, took her place in my heart they became more important than anything and everything including my own life. My finances were a mess. I could not pay my bills. I was selling drugs to support my habit, and instead of getting out of the quicksand was pulling people in with me.
I lied, I stole, I cheated, I deceived, and did things I would never ever have done without drugs. My job was starting to fall apart, and I spent most of my time finding hidden places on the job to go and sniff pills. I was up to my chin in the quicksand of addiction.
My wife was ready to leave, I could not put on the show at work much longer, the money I did have was just used for drugs, I was almost caught shop lifting, I had pushed my real friends out of my life and replaced them with new ones (drug dealers and drug buyers). I was almost arrested, my family did not know who I was anymore.
I was unfaithful to my wife, my first, who should have been my only, and as I personally am a spiritual person had even turned my back on my Heavenly Father, I had lost everything even my soul. The only thing I had left was my addiction and my physical body, a hollow shell of the man I once was, the man I had planned to become.
I was going to be swallowed up by the quicksand of addiction, but with my last breath called out for help. Finally the people, who really loved me, that really cared about me, that never called off their search to find me heard my cry. They came to the rescue.
Just like getting out of real quicksand getting out of the quicksand of addiction is going to be hell, it is going to be slow, painful and can't be done alone it can't be done with out a life line. My life lines are numerous.
Suboxone, which is one of them, was my oxygen tank it allowed me to breathe until I could get my head and chest out of the sand enough to breath on my own. Getting out of quicksand is done at a slow and steady pace, and you can only hold your breath for so long, before you either give up or get oxygen.
For me going cold turkey was like going without oxygen, and I tried holding my breath, but after two days of being curled up like a ball in a corner, my nose and eyes dripping like a faucet, freezing cold but in cloths soaked all the way through with my own sweat, shaking like a leaf, aching like having been hit by a truck, sick as a dog, and ending up in the shower going to bathroom on myself.
I was ready to give up when I got my oxygen tank, my Suboxone, which allowed me to breathe till I was able to do it on my own. It made getting through the first few days and weeks bareable, it made it possible for me to not just throw in the towel, before my other life lines arrived.
My family, my real friends, my wife, my meetings, my classes, those people like many of you out there who have been there done that and know what it takes to get free, and last but not least my Heavenly Father, are my other life lines. They are the most important life lines, and they are the life lines that will help pull you to safety.
It, however, is up to me and only me, and those of you out there like me, to stay away from the quicksand forever, and not go anywhere near it, to want nothing to do with it, to stay as far away from it as possible. Everything else just helps you to get out of the quicksand of addiction, but should not be relied upon to keep you safe from falling into this quicksand again.
Only a true change of heart will keep you safe from falling into the quicksand again. I am still working on my change of heart and even though I have been out of the quicksand for three months does not mean I can't fall back in. Until I am strong enough to stay away from it on my own, until I know I will never take that road again, and, that I can look at it and say I have been there before, and even though it looks safe, it's not.
I have my life lines to lean on and learn from. I wish you all well in your endeavors to remain drug free, and hope that you are, like me, able to once again find your smile.
Name Withheld By Request
Breaking The Chains of Addiction
I have been on Suboxone for about two months and it has changed my life in ways I could have never imagined. I have been on various types of opiates for the last ten years of my life. I started out as a lot of people do, just taking a few here and there for fun and a buzz.
Then I was diagnosed with back problems and was prescribed a good amount of pain killers. They did much more than take away my pain. They made me feel, what I thought at the time, on top of the world. The next thing I knew I was running out within a week or two and going to multiple physicians for scripts.
Soon, I had seen most of the physicians therefore,I began to buy pills and heroin off the street. I could never get enough... I finally
was caught physician shopping. I had no other choice but to rely heavier on heroin and other people for pain medication to the point, I was coming close to losing my family. I had already lost everything else, including my self-respect. What did it matter?
I knew it mattered substanially to me. I couldn't lie to myself. I knew within they were my life and if I lost them, I would lose everything I loved. I wasn't sure I would be able to take enough to bull the pain I would feel from the loss of them. I knew I somehow had to find a way out of the maze and I did.
I found Suboxone!!! The very first day I took Suboxone I felt the chains break. I found I was thinking much clearer. I no longer had any cravings for the poison that killed many of my friends, no desire to swallow any more handfuls of pills.
Finally, I had reached a point in my life with the help of Suboxone that my life now seems manageable and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am now closer than I ever was to my daughter and all my family and for the first time I actually feel good about the future.
I no longer have to worry where my next fix is coming from. I no longer have to count the pills to make sure I am not going to run out. No longer is my mind held captive by opiates and I am free now to direct my thoughts to areas needing my attention. Thank You, Suboxone. You saved my life and restored our family .
Editor: Deborah Shrira Date: 30 October 2007